Monday June 06, 2005

Some Kind of Morons

I have a theory about early fame in general and, in particular, about Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee. It goes like this: All straight, post-adolescent males—at least in America and especially in Southern California—really only want three things: a) lots of money, b) an unlimited supply of drugs and c) the opportunity to have on-demand sex with strippers and/or porn stars.

Most of us realize pretty quickly that a) and b) will require years of planning and scheming—in pursuit of a Wall Street career, a gig on The Insider, a theory of general relativity, or whatever—and that c) will probably always elude us.

But what if you’re Tommy Lee, and you end up with all three when you’re twenty? What do you do now? Do you grow, evolve, learn, strive or attempt to develop an inner life in any way?

Fuck that, bro. Why?

This weekend, I caught the VH1 documentary Resurrecting Motley Crue, which purports to show how the band “overcame their demons to reunite for a 2005 tour.” Basically, it’s ripoff of the Metallica doc Some Kind of Monster. I’m not a Metallica fan, but I found the latter compelling for lots of reasons. You walk away with the feeling that, whether you share it or not, the members of Metallica have a common aesthetic that they’ve been struggling to stay true to for more than two decades. Resurrection, on the other hand, leaves you with the conviction that the members of Motley Crue are the dumbest guys you’ve ever met.

However they’ve been eulogized, Motley Crue were never great. Less novel than KISS and less rock and roll than Guns N’ Roses, the Crue evolved from recording songs about the devil to recording songs about strip clubs in just six years. They created lowest common denominator rock in the city with the lowest denominator in America, L.A., where the only requirement for residency is that you enjoy tits and sun. And everyone enjoys tits and sun. Even amoebas mobilize in the general direction of tits and sun.

At the beginning of Resurrecting Motley Crue, we find Nikki Sixx touring Japan in search of tits and sun and Vince Neil looking for the same at the Oklahoma State Fair. Tommy Lee, as we know, became a pioneer in Paris Hilton-style fame by being filmed in the sun having sex with Pam Anderson and, of course, her tits. Naturally, he’s the least interested in the reunion. Nobody’s interested in it, really, except the band’s management, who have decided that the reunion will make them buckets of money. And Vince Neil is cautiously interested since he’s, well, playing the fucking Oklahoma State Fair. The fate of the reunion tour comes down to Vince and Tommy, however, the dumbest guys in the room.

Vince is impressed by the prospect of riding in a real live helicopter and thinks it’s fun to reference his 1983 drunk driving accident—which injured two and killed Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicolas Dingley—in a new Crue video. Tommy, meanwhile, talks like a 14-year-old and is disproportionately excited by the prospect of space travel. Even when it comes together, there is no real conviction behind the reunion. When asked at a press conference about his pledge to never play with the band again, Lee says, “I don’t think that’s important. The fans want it and we’re going to do this. That’s what’s important.”

Wow, Tommy. Thanks!

Compare this with Metallica’s trajectory. Their music was so challenging, they had to leave L.A. for San Francisco and they didn’t really have any female fans (i.e. groupies) until 1987’s And Justice For All, by which time Motley Crue was already a parody of a parody. In other words, by having a), b) and c) deferred, the members of Metallica became, you know, reflective. Even interesting. Lars Ulrich may be an asshole, but he’s not stupid.

Interestingly, the only sympathetic character here is Mick Mars, who has spent the last ten years succumbing to the degenerative disease ankylosing spondilitis and an accompanying addiction to painkillers. The cadaverous guitarist had to have hip replacement just to get on stage. He seems older than the others, and not just because he looks terrible. Perhaps its because his forced isolation ripped him out of Motley Crue fantasy land and forced him to grow up. He seems all of 44, which is nice, since that’s how old he and his bandmates actually are. Hopefully the tour will at least land Mick some much-needed tits and sun. He’s earned it.