Friday September 23, 2005

Poo Poo Patter

Adland today links to AdCorp, Inc., a short film that stars Andy Dick as a branding guru trying to come up with the name Bed, Bath & Beyond. Good for a laugh.

It also reminded me of this thing I wrote five years ago to amuse myself—an imaginary account of the pitch that led to “Bad Andy,” Deutsch’s ill-fated Domino’s Pizza spokesthing. Here’s how it went:

The Scene: A conference room somewhere within Domino’s corporate headquarters. The client has just finished watching a series of spots featuring a Muppet-like gremlin called “Bad Andy.” In the spots, Andy causes all kinds of trouble for earnest Domino’s employees, making it difficult for them to make pizza. The tagline: “Good pizza. Bad Andy.”

The fantasy pitch, already in progress, appears after the jump.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: So?

CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER: Great work. Really great work.

CD: Great.

CMO: You really nailed it.

CD: Thanks. We really went there.

CMO: We can tell. But we do have a few questions.

CD: Shoot. (nods crazily)

CMO: Now. The pizza’s good. We’ve established that.

CD: Yep. The pizza is very good. “Good Pizza.”

CMO: But Andy is bad.

CD: Very bad.

CMO: But since Andy seems to be involved in the making of the pizza, won’t that make the pizza bad?

CD: I’m not sure if I …

CMO: Because he’s bad, and he’s messing around in the kitchen. Wouldn’t that affect the quality of the pizza?

CD: Aaaahhh. I see what you’re saying. But you see that wouldn’t happen because the pizza is good. It’s Andy that’s bad.

CMO: Right, right. But say you started out with good pizza. Then you added Bad Andy, as you have here. Wouldn’t that taint the goodness of the pizza?

CD: But the pizza is good.

CMO: Right, of course, we all agree on that.

CD: It’s Andy who’s bad.

CMO: Sure. … Let me put it another way. What is Andy?

CD: Well, he’s a puppet. A sort of a monkeyish …

CMO: Is Bad Andy poo?

CD: Poo, sir?

CMO: Yes poo. We’ve heard some concern from the franchisees that Bad Andy is poo, or made of poo, or something. You know there’s been a lot of that going around—anthropomorphic poo-things—on TV and at the movies. I don’t think I have to tell you that if Bad Andy were poo, that would be very bad for us.

CD: Bad Andy is not poo.

CMO: And Bad Andy does not represent poo?

CD: No.

CMO: He’s sort of poo-colored.

CD: Yes. He is brown, but I can assure you that he is not, is not made of, and is in no way meant to represent or otherwise allude to, or even bring to mind, poo.

CMO: I’m glad to here you say that. What is he?

CD: Um, well, he’s kind of a mischievous soft-sculpture monkey-thing.

CMO: Outstanding. I think we’ve got a winner.